Last night my son got into an argument with one of his best friends. In fact, the argument escalated into a shoving match. Suddenly a great friendship was ripped in two by anger, mistrust, and poor communication. As my son shared his story with me it became clear that a misunderstanding was at the heart of the issue. As we talked through the problem, my son openly and without being defensive owned his part of the argument and took full responsibility for his actions. He went to bed hurt but hopeful that a little sleep and new day would bring a fresh perspective to their friendship. At school he approached his friend and simply asked “are we cool?” They talked through the situation, made up, forgave each other, and moved on.

I’ve spent the day thinking about my son and his friend. I can’t help but love the simplicity of the question, “are we cool?” So often when adults fight instead of asking the question and talking through to a solution, we get offended and back away from relationship. We feel entitled to hold on to our hurt and therefore our unforgiveness. What impresses me about my son and his friend is they were not willing to let a disagreement destroy their friendship. Each was willing to admit they made a mistake and each was willing to offer the other forgiveness. That is grace in action. If we want to be like Jesus then we too must learn to own our part, make up, forgive and move on. In Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT) Jesus said, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. Whether we like it or not, when Jesus said this he was speaking to his disciples. Therefore, forgiveness is not optional for Christians it is commanded.

I’m not saying this is easy, in fact, to be completely transparent, right now I’m having a hard time forgiving a friend and at the same time a friend of mine is having a hard time forgiving me. So what can we do when forgiveness isn’t as easy as “are we cool?”

First remember that love conquers all. Jesus said ³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35) Love is not only our testimony it is our banner. If we practice loving each other in the way described in Scripture we will experience something special, unity. Love is the basis for overcoming every misunderstanding, every hurt, and every trust issue. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) says, “⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love, keeps no record of wrongs, and when wronged it always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. Keeping a record of wrongs is, in essence, holding on to the hurt and the offense. We can choose love and therefore choose restoration, or we can choose unforgiveness and disunity. Take heart, God requires us to love but he also provides the love. He asks us to love in his strength and power not in our own. So pray and ask him to love the person you’re upset with through you. Start by admitting how you feel, ask him to show you your part, take responsibility for part (remember there are always two sides to a story) and trust him to work in the details. Visualize yourself giving him the situation if it helps.

One last thing, be brave enough to ask, “are we cool?” Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that time heals everything. Time + Silence = Distance. Disunity, misunderstanding, and distrust grow in distance. Be a protector of unity by keeping short accounts with one another.

Love you guys –

CJ